flimzyflop

Eclipse Songs to Breaking Dawn: Jacob's POV

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 01:01:10 GMT

Just wanted to share a few very poignant Jacob songs. Or at least why I think they are.
They're all of a harder rock/metal genre.
Mild spoilers, since there are BD parts. But it's more of a what I would want to happen in BD, than anything that actually happens in BD.

01. Bullet With Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins
Click here to listen, or save-link to download

Reminds me of an angry Jacob at the beginning of Eclipse.
He can't really do anything about Edward being back.

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

(chorus)
Even though I know - I suppose Ill show
All my cool and cold-like old job
Despite all my rage Im still just a rat in a cage (2x)
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage Im still just a rat in a cage

Now Im naked, nothing but an animal
But can you fake it, for just one more show?
And what do you want, I want to change
And what have you got when you feel the same

(chorus)

(chorus 2)
Tell me Im the only one
Tell me theres no other one
Jesus was an only son
Tell me Im the chosen one
Jesus was an only son for you

(chorus)
(chorus 2)

Despite all my rage Im still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage Im still just a rat in a cage
And I still believe that I cannot be saved

02. It's not over - Daughtry
Click here to listen, or save-link to download

Pretty self-explanatory why I think it's appropriate.
I like the part where it's like 'blow it away, blow it away'.
Reminds me of the wolf from the three piggies story.
Also I bolded an especially pertinent line.

I was blown away.
What could I say?
It all seemed to make sense.
You've taken away everything,
And I can't deal with that.
I try to see the good in life,
But good things in life are hard to find.
We'll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

Taken all I could take,
And I cannot wait.
We're wasting too much time
Being strong, holding on.
Can't let it bring us down.
My life with you means everything,
So I won't give up that easily.
I'll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?
'Cause it's all misunderstood.
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

We can't let this get away.
Let it out, let it out.
Don't get caught up in yourself.
Let it out.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

Let's start over.
It's not over, yeah...
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

03. Want - Disturbed
Click here to listen, or save-link to download

First time I heard this song after reading the Twi-saga,
I was like... wow, this kind of fits! And it is angry.
Bella's mind really wont let her see that she wants Jacob.

Your mind wont let you say that you want me
Your mind wont ever, never let you say what you want
You howl and wail like a banshee
Still your mind wont ever let you say
My little tired devotee
Your mind wont even let you feel

Quivering now, shivering now, withering
Your mind wont let you say that you're
Wondering now, pondering now, hungering
Wont let you say that you're
Questioning, wavering, weakening
You mind wont let you say that you're
Hearkening, listening, heeding me now
Wont let you say that you want

Your mind wont let you say that you want me
Your mind wont ever, never let you have what you want
I feel your hunger to taste me
Still your mind wont ever let you say
Your kind is just the type that should use me
But your mind wont seem to let you have
The opportunity to abuse me
Your mind wont even let you feel

Savor the addiction, savor the affliction
Savor me

04. If You're Not the One - Daniel Bedingfield
Click here to listen, or save-link to download

I think this is the most perfect Jacob/Bella song I've ever heard.
Makes me really sad everytime I hear it.
Especially when you think about it in terms of the end of Eclipse.
She's telling him it can't happen,
and in his mind he's saying 'if I'm not made for you
then why does my heart tell me that I am?'

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

05. Paid In Full - Sonata Arctica
Click here to listen, or save-link to download

Now we venture into AU territory.
This song is a good example of what I would've liked
to happen for Jacob for the end. The song is about falling in love,
breaking up, wanting to get back together at any cost,
but then realizing that you have to learn to love yourself first.
I've bolded the most important part.

I was nowhere near ready when all it ended
So I hoped we could find a new day, cannot live without you

You gave me the chance, time and again, in vain
Now my feelings for you, every tear, every smile, paid in full
Break the chain, but no longer can I take the pain

It's hard for me to love myself right now,
I've waited, hated, blamed it all on you

Needed to be strong, yet I was always too weak
So I can only blame myself for this state we are in
I will take what you have for me now, if it's not too late
Did you change? I did too. Love can grow from the last grain

It's hard for me to love myself right now,
I've waited, hated, blamed it all on...

You...
I need you...less and less...
Every day feeds this moral decay
Yet I have grown to love you even more

I fall back, and I turn another cheek.
You mouth the words you're not ready to speak
You're scared of me now; no I never had a clue
That I'd become so much stronger than you.

I will take - what you have - for me now, if it's not too late

If you like, I will leave; I will not miss the last train again

It's hard for me to love myself right now,
I've waited, hated, blamed it all on you...

It's hard for me to love your face right now
I'm waiting, hating, needing being

Me...
I need you...less and less...
Every day leads us farther away...
From that moment

It hard for me to hate myself right now
Finally I'm understanding me
One day we may have whole new me's and you's
But first I need to learn to love me too...

06. Trail of Broken Hearts - Dragonforce
Click here to listen, or save-link to download

Once more in AU territory. Pretty much this is also what I wished
could have happened in BD. The whole 'trail of broken hearts
flying free' makes me happy. I can see like...
Mike, and Jacob, and whoever likes Bella
just finally getting over her.
I just wish they could've all just...
Broken free.

Here we are far beyond the distant sky
Seen all the world and how the story will be over
Through the snow and tainted mountains we have climbed
Now we have found the light that guides us over
Through the fallen rain we travelled far and wide
And through the blackest darkness
Stars above shining bright

Through the sun and winter rain will fall
All our lives we all were waiting for a sign to call
We're walking hand in hand in dreams and endless time
How do we know when we will leave this life behind?

Stare at life through eyes of mine
the hate the fear and the pain
There's a feeling held deep inside - when life you live is in vain

[Chorus]
Fly away down the lonely roads of yesterday
We close your eyes to see the light of brighter days
And all alone we'll be where time can never heal
With the trail of broken hearts flying free

Once again we walk this lonely road
There are times that we are wading through the rain and cold
We're lost in memories of what we left behind
Relive the dreams, the endless screams of pain inside

Lives are filled with emptiness
The fear returned once again
Searching endlessly you cannot see
Drown your mind in the pain

[Chorus]

The last temptation will be all that's left for me

When I see those tears you cry
When I hear those lies you lie
When I see your creation now falling down on me
Is this the reason to be?

[Solos: Sam/Herman/Sam]

[Chorus]

The trail of broken hearts flying free

Twilight the Musical: Scene 1

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 00:16:35 GMT

What: Twilight the Musical, Scene 1
Why?: CAUSE IT'S FUN!!!!

Songs:

Miley Cyrus - Simple Song

Queen - I'm in Love with my Car

Curtains Open

Cue Bella and Charlie

Charlie: Welcome to Forks Bella.

Bella: Hi Charlie – I mean Dad! Sorry. Hi Dad.

Charlie: C’mon to the car, lets get you home so you can unpack. Did you have a nice flight?

Bella: It was alright.

Charlie walks off stage wheeling Bella’s bags

Change from Airport scene to Bella’s Room

Cue: Simple Song – Miley Cyrus. Bella unpacks.

Bella (singing): Wake up here I go, cram it all down my throat, stomach so full I wish I could choke… 7 am my heads already in a spin as soon as I’m out that door bam it hits me like a ton of those red bricks! Can’t dig myself out of this highest ditch, this madness. (music interlude)

Charlie (calling from offstage): Bella? Are you unpacked yet?

Bella (calling back): No Dad! (sighs. To herself) Not yet.

Bella (singing): I swear sometimes I can’t tell which way’s up, which way’s down. It’s all up in my face, I need to push it away, somebody push it away, so all that I can hear is a simple song, sing along now… lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala. (music fades)

Charlie enters

Charlie: C’mon Bella! I have something to show you!

Charlie grabs Bella and pulls her off.

Quick scene change to Outside Bella’s House

Outside a big old red truck sits on the curb.

Bella: Where did the old red truck come from?

Charlie: From the Black’s, you remember them don’t you?

Bella: The man who you go fishing with?

Charlie: That's the one! Well his son, Jacob he fixes cars, so he fixed this one up and sold it to me. It's yours now.

Bella: What? Really? Oh Char-DAD you really didn’t have to.

Charlie: But I wanted to. And you're taking it. What do you think?

Cue: I’m in Love with my Car by Queen. Bella goes round to the other side of the truck out of view of Charlie.

Bella (singing passionately): The machine of a dreaaaaam. Such a clean machine. With…uhh… pistons! A pumpin. And the hub caps all gleeeeeeeeeeeam.

Charlie: Bella, what are you doing?

Bella: stopping mid-song Uhhh, just looking at the hub caps!

Charlie: Sure uh. I’m going to go inside. Why don’t you sit in it? Get a feel for it?

Bella: I think I’ll just look at it for a bit.

Charlie goes inside.

Bella (singing): When I’m holding your… wheel! All I hear is your, uh, gear! With my hand on your grease gun?... Oh it’s like a disease son! I’m in love with my car. Gotta a feel for my automobile. Get a grip on my uhhh… boy racer rollbar! Such a thrill when your radia-somethings squeal! (end song)

Charlie (calling from inside the house): Bella! What do you want to order for dinner?

Bella: Order? Oh boy.

Night, Morning. Bella is leaving the house.

Cue Miley Cyrus – Simple Song. Bella gets in her truck. Behind her the stage changes to Forks High School while she sings.

Bella (singing): Midday Sun beating on the concrete, burning up my feet. Too many cars on the street, the noise, the red, the green, makes me wanna scream! 8-clock now its bumper on bumper on bumper, horns honking, nobody’s looking but everybody’s talking, it’s another day on this highway.

I swear sometimes I can’t tell, which way is up, which way is down. It’s all up in my face I need to push it away, somebody push it away! Cause all I wanna hear, ooohhh. Is a simple song. Oooh, sing along now. Lalalala, lalalala, lalalalala, lalalala. (end song)

Bella: Okay. Here we go...

Forks Highschool

HEH

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 00:03:12 GMT

I just got the most amazing haircut ever.
End post.

First Fan Mix Ever?

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 07:56:14 GMT

Yay! My first Fan Mix.
It is the epic tale of New Moon as told by Jacob. Complete with little drabbles for each song.
Aaaaand yes my photoshop skills are win. (read: epic fail)

Songs to be downloaded here

And here we... go:

Part One: New Moon

“I can't believe this moment's come 

It's so incredible that we're alone 

There's so much to be said and done 

It's impossible not to be overcome 

Will you forgive me if I feel this way 

Cuz we've just met - tell me that's OK 

So take this feeling'n make it grow 

Never let it - never let it go”

Bryan Adams feat. Sarah McLachlan

02. I'm gonna be around you, all about you / Always by your side / I'm gonna dream about you / 
 Scheme about you / Love you all the time / I'm gonna catch you lady / Catch you lady, yeah

I watched her out through a curtain of my hair. She was watching me work, oblivious to the 
fact that I was watching her, oblivious to the fact that she was smiling dreamily. I smiled softly to myself and kept working.

03. Let it slide / Let your troubles fall behind you / Let it shine / Until you feel it all around you  
And I don't mind / If it's me you need to turn to / We’ll get by / It's the heart that really matters in the end

I could feel she was hurting, whenever she looked away from me I could see the pain in her eyes. Then she would look back, 
and it would all melt away. Never look away from me Bella, look at me and be happy. I’ll always be there, whenever you’re looking.

04. Finally got the nerve to tell you / How much you mean to me you said that I was your best friend  
A real sweet guy, but that's all I'd ever be

The best person she knows. I could work with that. It would take time, but I had time. It would take care and attention, 
well she already had all my care and attention. I’m prepared to be annoyingly persistent.

05. And you see the things they never see / All you wanted I could be / Now you know me / And I'm not afraid  
And I want to tell you who I am / Can you help me be a man? / They can't break me / As long as I know who I am

Werewolf. Monster. Alone. You looked like you were on the brink of madness, and there was nothing I could do about it. 
I wanted to tell you, I needed to tell you, I promised you I would always be there. How could I bear being away from you, 
when you needed me so badly? I’d find a way, I had to. Loving you from a distance was far too painful. Especially because 
I knew that deep down… you loved me too.

06. A life goes by / Romantic dreams must die / So I bid mine goodbye and never knew / So close was waiting 
Waiting here with you / And now forever I know / All that I wanted to hold you / So close

I had looked at the indecision in her eyes, so hesitant and yet so wanting. So I made the decision for her. 
Her eyes widened as I leaned in to kiss her, and then they grew heavy with something indescribable as she almost imperceptibly
lifted her lips to receive mine. Then the phone rang, and she was gone. In a split second everything was lost.

drabble

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 06:47:35 GMT

Edward was in the shower when she struck, and Alice too far away to reach them in time...
Jane burst through the window like lightening, and plunged her fist into Bella's chest.
Bella barely had time to make a sound much less register pain before Jane grabbed hold of her spine and yanked.
The future Alice saw, of a child and happiness died in a mere second.

THE END

Epilogue: Edward kills himself. He died a virgin.

Lame Twilight Fanfic to Disney song

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 13:04:55 GMT

Title: I'm Still Here (sonfic)
Rating: G
Pairing: Jacob/Bella
Summary: Jacob's story to the song I'm Still Here by John Rzeznik

Author's Note: I'm kind of lame. More Disney songfics to come. Just to warn you.

I am a question to the world/Not an answer to be heard/Or a moment/That’s held in your arms

She had looked silly in her cast and ridiculous blue dress. And yet I hadn’t been able to get her out of my mind. She was undeniably pretty, cute in a tragic sort of way, and yet I felt that when we had danced together she had only been biding her time before she returned to her heartthrob boyfriend. I tried not to care about that, but didn’t I deserve just a bit more attention than that? He didn’t seem all that special to me at the time.

And what do you think you’d ever say?/I wont listen anyway/You don’t know me/And I’ll never be what you want me to be

“Look at me,” I wanted to beg her. “You came to me first. Look at me, see me, please just see me.” And she did, with eyes that were lost. After Edward had left her she was like a creature thrown to sea, thrashing endlessly in waves of cold and pain. I could imagine what she would say if I asked her about him. I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted her to see me, but she only saw one face.

And what do you think you’d understand?/I’m a boy, no I’m a man/You can’t take me/And throw me away

Smiles, laughter, love. She loved me. She just didn’t know it. She didn’t want to admit it. If she admitted it, then that would mean that maybe she was wrong. Maybe she could be happy, maybe Edward wasn’t her life. I tumbled out of bed with a smile on my face, even though I was exhausted from guarding her night and day. She’d come around, I told myself. She had to. And then he was back, and when she was with him it was like I never existed.

And how can you learn what’s never shown?/Yeah, you stand here on your own/They don’t know me/Cause I’m not here

She still thought about me. She still cared. Even when she was around him she still cared. And she still loved me. Yet how could she ever know? Even I could see how Edward affected her, though I didn’t want to. He was wrong, so wrong for her. Watching her eyes glaze over in his presence was sickening to me, as sickening as I found the scent of him and his kind. There was nothing I could do, because I could not get near her. If I couldn’t get to her, then she would continue being lost. Lost in the abyss that was Edward. I couldn’t bear to see her lost anymore, I couldn’t stand for it. I would fight for her. I would make her see that she loved me, and that I loved her. I would offer her a choice. I would be there.

And you see the things they never see/All you wanted I could be/Now you know me/And I’m not afraid

‘Ask me,’ and she did. Yet she resisted. It made me angry, it made me try harder… until she gave way. And then she was kissing me back, and I almost jumped out of my skin in joy. She loved me, it wasn’t a delusion I was chasing, it was truth. She loved me, and I wasn’t afraid anymore. How could anything be bad anymore, when she loved me and I loved her? She would choose me, she would choose life… how could she not with everything I offered?

And I wanna tell you who I am/Can you help me be a man?/They can’t break me/As long as I know who I am

My joy had rushed into them the moment I changed. ‘She loves you’, the minds of the pack whispered through the forest. ‘She loves me’ my spirit whispered back. ‘Will she choose you?’ my friends asked. ‘She will, of course she will’ I thought. ‘She won’t,’ a distinct female thought came through, I snarled. ‘She will!’ I growled. And then we were fighting. Soon, soon we would have the rest of our lives together. Soon.

They can’t tell me who to be/Cause I’m not what they see/Yeah, the world is still sleepin’ while I keep on dreaming for me/And their words are just whispers and lies that I’ll never believe

‘She’s with Edward,’ They had whispered to me as I blinked hazily through the pain. Of course she was I thought, Edward could protect her. He could protect her while I was recovering. But in their voices I heard ‘She’s with Edward, she’s chosen Edward.’ But I couldn’t believe that. There was no way I could believe that. Not and stay sane. I fell back into the pain and wished she was there holding my hand. But we had forever for hand holding, didn’t we?

And I want a moment to be real/Wanna touch things I don’t feel/Wanna hold on and feel I belong/And how can the world want me to change?/They’re the ones they stay the same/They don’t know me/Cause I’m not here

Running, running, running. She had chosen Edward against all reason. When the invitation to the wedding came it was all I could do to stay human long enough to run out of the house. I was gone. I left Jacob Black behind. Like she left me behind. Now I didn’t know what I was, all that matters was that I was running. Running as far and as hard as I could. Running forever.

I’m the one now/Cause I’m still here/I’m the one/Cause I’m still here/I’m still here/I’m still here/I’m still here

And yet… you can’t run away from yourself forever. Even when facing having my heart ripped to shreds over and over again for eternity… I would keep putting it back together for her. Because no matter what flawed logic she’s thrown at me, no matter the drug that Edward provides, no matter the pitiful looks from my friends and family, and looks of disdain from Leah, we were meant to be together. And I’ll be here, waiting. Of course I’ll be here waiting. I’ll always be here.

Angel: Rosalie (G)

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 10:45:52 GMT

'Drabble' for fridaydrabble
----

"Who are you?" The little girl asked.
The woman looked down surprised, a little native girl stood by her feet, tugging on the hem of her dress.
"Who are you?" The woman asked back, a small smile gracing her beautiful full lips.
"My name's Claire, will you play with me?" She pointed at the park with her chubby four year old arms.
"Of course."
-
They played on the swings, the woman pushed Claire over her head.
They played in the sandbox, the woman didn't notice the wet sand staining her dress.
They swung on the monkey bars. Well Claire did, the woman helped.

"Will you come back and play with me again?"
"Tomorrow." She promised.
-
"Quil, I played with a angel"
"Oh? When was that?" He asked, swinging her up high as she giggled.
"At the park!"
"Angels play in the park?"
"Yes. On the swing. That is how they fly."
Quil smiled fondly at his silly little girl.
"Quil?"
"Yes, Claire?"
"Is mama a angel?"
"Of course she is. The most beautiful angel of all."
"Do you think that was her, the angel at the park?"
"Maybe," Quil hedged.
The little girl sighed.
"I always wanted a mama."
-
Rosalie always wanted to be one.
Which was why the next day she watched in anguish as Quil and the little girl stood hand in hand waiting for the angel to show up.
But she couldn't go.
-
Claire would never forget the kind stranger.
While her Aunt Emily was kind and treated her like her own, the only image she could see when she thought of a mother was that beautiful woman at the park.
The angel was Claire's alone, and when she was rocking her own children to sleep late at night, Quil's snores sounding softly from the bedroom, she secretly believed that for one day her mother's soul had come to play with her at the park in the form of a woman so beautiful...

She could have only come from heaven.

Oblivion

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 10:29:51 GMT

Title: Oblivion
Rating - 18A for swearing, alcohol abuse, and SEXUAL SITUATIONS.
Spoilers - Let's just say the whole series. Just to be safe.
Summary - Jacob is drunk. Drinking away his sorrows. What is going on in his mind?
Pairing - Bella/Jacob

Author's Note: I was seeing if I could get into the mind of drunk!Jacob by being drunk!Jessica. Don't know if it worked :P
Blame my sister, the bride to be, because it was her stagette party!!

-----

It was over. Life was over, she was gone. I counted down every single moment since she left, and I could tell you that she was gone. Without a doubt.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila… she’s still gone.

Embry sits beside me, buying me drinks. There’s still not enough, we only have so much money, and even that won’t be enough. Nothing will be enough because no matter how much I drink, no matter how much I try to forget… she’s still gone. There’s an empty void where she used to be, and I can’t fill it. Not with all the alcohol in the world.

“I’m out.” He says. That’s fine, that’s really fine, Embry has a life, he has a girlfriend, and he has everything that I wish I could have… If that’s enough for him, then that’s enough.

Enough. I wish there was enough.

Enough love that she’d come back to me, enough joy in the world that maybe I could pick up a glimmer of it. Enough… everything that could satisfy me. But no, there’s only Bella, only one. A singular commodity that has already been bought. There’s not enough. There will never be enough. Holy fuck, my God I’m dying. I’m dying without her.

“I’ll have a double rum and coke. No, make it a triple.” I say to the bartender.

He looks back at me strangely. He probably hasn’t seen anyone ever drink this much. I only try to seek oblivion sporadically. The bartenders get scared when they see how much I can drink.

On the other hand the men at the liquor store never check my ID. My white friends say that it’s because I’m native and I’m their best customer. I ignore them. Native pride mother fuckers. I can’t change who I am and I never would.

Unless I could be Edward. Fuck. Why does he get EVERYTHING? Immortality, beauty beyond compare. What the FUCK. If there’s a God, why did you grant him that? Were you trying to make me miserable? Did you see a wonderfully happy boy and decide that that’s wrong? What kind of god are you? When will this stop? When will I get over her?

Never? Well fuck you God. I don‘t know what I did to deserve this, so FUCK YOU.

I shelter my drink with my body. Young girls are running past, dancing and laughing…. I ignore them. Too much life, too much vitality. They are attractive, but they’re not her. No one replaces her.

No one.

But then, what else is there to life? Will I live in this empty void forever? Hadn’t I lived without her before? Wasn’t I somebody before? Can’t I be that person again?

I hope so. I wish so. Fuck I want to be, because being this miserable is pathetic. Wishing she was here is pathetic. EARTH TO JACOB: she left you. She isn’t worth it, get over it….

But I can’t. And I never will. Never. Forever. For ever, ever.

“Bartender, same as the last.” Four more of those, and then…

Black out.

----

Darkness.

“Oh god yes,” I moan into the darkness. I’m burning, burning hot with fever, sweating with sex, fuck I’m so drunk, but she’s so… she’s so… oh fuck she’s so cool.

“Jacob, Jacob, oh god. Please.” She whispers into my ear as she moves atop of me.

It’s the please that gets me. It’s something she would say. But I won’t think of her. It’s too hard, it’s too painful, and right now all I want to do is… es-oh god-esca-fuck-escape. Holy fuck she’s so good I can’t even think.

And she’s moaning into my ear. My name. Did I tell her my name? I don’t know, I don’t remember.

“Jacob, I lo-ohhhhh Jesus, fuck, god, holy, yeaaaaaah, you please. Please, please….”

“Bella,” I groan out into the air, but it’s not her. Of course it’s not her. I hope I don’t offend her because I. don’t. want. Her. To. Stop. GOD.

I can’t even think. It was that last beer that got me. I’m at my house, I know that, but who this girl is, what time it is, how we even got here… I can’t know. But if I’m here then I’m safe. Whoever the fuck this is. It’s not her so it doesn’t matter. Twenty two year old virgin, and that’s over with . Because what was the point in saving myself when the girl I was waiting for was never going to come? Not that I even ever gave it any real thought. Too much darkness, black out. I wasn’t there for this decision and-fuck! That got my attention.

“Jacob, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” She said as she puffed out a lungful of air. It’ll be soon, soon she’ll blow. Soon I’ll blow. It’d be nice if we could do it together. That’s how I imagined it’d be with us.

But screw imagination. Imaginary Bella wasn’t here. Whoever the fuck this is was sorry, and was a stranger here. I wonder what she did to be sorry. I wonder why I even care.

Maybe caring was the first step of closure.

“It’s okay.” I whisper back. Not that I know what’s okay, but if she’s here, and she’s doing this to me, then it’d have to be okay. I’m a gentleman. I think. Or I was. How did we get here?

She thrusts her lips up against mine. They’re soft, so wonderfully soft. And they taste red, they feel red. Red and pink. If you can imagine how red and pink could feel. I could, but that’s because those lips were in my mouth. Moving, and her tongue probing. She’s moaning into my mouth. I moan back because if feels so good. Vibrations.

Vibrations though my whole body. Yes. Yes I-Fuck, who the hell are you because I want to scream your name! But the only name I can think of, the only name I know, the only name in my mind is “BELLA!”

Hips jerking, she’s screaming my name, I’m grabbing onto the mattress. Rrrrripppp. Her hands are buried in my long hair and she yanks it, but I don’t care because I’m in heaven.

But it’s soon over. We’re breathing heavily and she apologizes.

“I’m sorry Jacob, it wasn’t… with him, It wasn’t what I thought it would be, but I can’t come back. I can’t come back because things are different. But I love you, I love you. Know that please. Stop this self destruction.” Her cool lips on my ear.

I nod, because that’s all I can do. I can’t make much sense of her words right now, and it’s only when I wake up, and she’s gone, and there’s an icy spot next to me on my bed that I whisper the word… the world… “Bella”.

Embry comes to pick me up the next night. I get into the car.

Nothing will ever be the same again.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila… come back to me.